Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

Run fool, run. You have been slumming it for too long, Cancer. Scrape yourself out of the permanent butt-mold dent in your couch, find your dusty running shoes and hit the bricks, buddy. For a little motivation, pretend that you are Sa'ad El-Amin and three IRS agents just knocked on your front door. Forrest Gump should look like a turtle in wet concrete compared to you. You need the exercise. Plus, you don't want to end up face down, suffocated in a bowl of stroganoff like Taurus, do you?

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

Pretend you are a homeowner on West Grace Street (if you actually are a homeowner on West Grace Street, this really shouldn't be a stretch for you.) You should be required to keep all your doors locked, windows shut and valuables hidden all the time. Otherwise, you'll come home to a missing TV and a smelly toothbrush. The moral -- Leo, you need to lock it up this week. You are vulnerable to a plethora of emotional pitfalls this week. I suggest hiding in a small closet with a bottle of Old Grand Dad and an iPod full of Chet Baker. If you aren't careful, you could end up like a bad 80s country hit. "My girl done left me and she took my frog / My dog poops in my boots when I call / KITT broke down and stranded Hasselhoff / Even my "I Love Mama" tattoo fell off."

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

Virgo, O Virgo? Where for art thou confidence dear Virgo? If you feel like you have lost a little oomph in your self vision, now is the time to make a comeback. Much like Cher, you need to reinvent yourself. Hopefully you can do it without repeated cheek implants and nose jobs, and without having to do it every eight years so people won't say "Who is that aging bag of meat that used to sing with that dapper congressman fellow?" But do whatever it takes. I'm thinking a trip to the closest all-you-can-eat buffet should do the trick. Once you get there, simply browse the room. Automatically, you are one of the prettiest/handsomest, thinnest, smartest, healthiest people you have ever known. Then walk out. Enjoy the rest of your week.

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

Sure you are the scale, Libra, but every now and then you need a little unbalance in your life. You could put your Chi out of whack but doing something extremely sensible and boring to tip the scale dangerously towards monotony but what fun would that be? Seriously, throw a 50-pound rock on the fun side of that scale. Speaking of rocks, why not hit Peak Experience in the Southside for some rock climbing. There's nothing like hanging by your fingertips 20 feet off the ground to peg your sensibility balance. However, you are always tethered to an instructor at the bottom, so your safety side of the scale won't feel too neglected.

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

Much like a third of the buildings downtown on Broad Street, you are empty inside and continuously used as a toilet by random vagrants. OK, you don't feel empty on the inside. But you are being taken advantage of, Scorpio. It's time to put your foot down! It's time to stand up for your rights as an individual! It's time to quit wearing a urine-stained PVC rain suit! No one else can do it for you. Stand up for yourself. Just watch out for the puddles at your feet.

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

Things are looking up for you this week, Sags. Every morning, just like the Jefferson Davis monument, you face the East and let the sun shine on your face as you take on the day. You seem empowered and shouldn't be afraid to use (and maybe slightly abuse) your newfound power. Kick ass, take names and, just like the real Jefferson Davis, don't let rude, loud, bossy Yankees push you around. Or anyone else for that matter.

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

Oh Capri, you never learn. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't win the Monument Avenue 10K if you never register for the race in the first place. You can't win a bet at Colonial Downs if you won't pick a horse. You can't come up with an awful cliché statement if Madame O'ntondruh says them all first. In other words, make up your mind. Seriously, you are quickly becoming a pain in my astrologicality.

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

You are so hungover you can hardly hold on to your breakfast bottle of High Life. Maybe it's from an emotionally challenging week. Maybe it's from an overbearing family. Maybe it's from the countless rounds of free beer the Miller Lite promo girls were dousing your inhibitions with at the sports bar in the Bottom that you forgot you went to last night. Get a grip, Aquarius. Unlike, Sagittarius, who is forging ahead, your Id, Ego and Superego are all cowering somewhere in a Church Hill alleyway, vomiting uncontrollably and shaking wildly from the onset of DTs. Sorry, but this isn't your week.

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

Much like Fighting Gravity, you are on the edge, the brink, the cusp of something great. You are so close to your goals, you can almost taste the celebratory PBR. So what's holding you back? A spouse? Your boss? A lack of radio-worthy hit songs? The fact that Ska died ten years before your big break? It doesn't matter! You can push through! Soldier on! Learn some new songs that don't cause an instant migraine! You can do it!

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

Oh no. Not again. Aries, you may want to stay in bed all week long. Don't answer the phone. Don't open the door. Don't even sing in the shower. They'll know. This oppressive summer heat has done something mentally to those who might not care for your past transgressions. I'm talking about your ex-significant others. Jilted lovers, much like hippy anti-war protesters from VCU, are relentless in this climate. Sloppy "Why do you hate me?" drunk-dialing will hit an all time high this week. Also, you've been warned, but Belmont Butchery just ran out of pig hearts and 10-penny nails have been flying off the shelves at Pleasant's Hardware.

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

Yes, you look fat in those pants. But it ain't going to get any better this week. The crystal ball is hazy regarding the specific causes, but you are going to eat a massive stress sandwich all week long ... along with three trips to Dairy Queen, 13 bags of Doritos, two large 2:30 a.m. "Everything But Anchovies" pies from Chanello's and a $35 tab at Buffalo Wild Wings (even though you didn't have any $8 beers.) I'd suggest a psychiatrist's couch and some Xanax but that will give you the munchies just as bad. I'd also suggest a feather and a comfortable spot on the floor of your bathroom ... but the "I'm a recovering bulimic" stories are more frightening than your 12,000-calorie diet and enlarged heart.

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

The stars are right and the weather is sunny and warm. Gemini, this is your vacation week. Even if you have to work all week, consider the next seven days a mental vacation. As you type out your TPS reports this Monday morning, plan out an after work escape plan for everyday of the week. On Monday, have drinks with friends on a back porch somewhere. On Tuesday, go bowling by yourself. Wednesday ... you get the picture. Commit some boredom sin. Have fun!