In theaters, there hasn't been a lot to complain about this summer. Indiana Jones returned to action, Batman enthralled us once again and a cute robot named WALL•E became a masterpiece of feature-film animation for the ages.
Blame it on a case of late summer fatigue, but after the serious high points of the first half of the summer, the ignominious action spectacle "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" is here to rain on the parade and remind us of the brain-dead action pics that can be counted on to populate theaters for the second half of the summer. The globe-trotting third installment of the popular franchise is being promoted as a high octane must-see action spectacle, but don't be fooled -- the emperor has no clothes.
It is a rancid piece of summertime cheese that doesn't contain enough of a fun factor to be considered a true bad film, but it does get the dubious distinction of being the dullest action film to come along in a good long time. It doesn't help that the unoriginal plot is a second-rate Cliff Notes edition of Indiana Jones clichés ripped off from the Spielberg-Lucas saga. The premise of the first film (archeologists dodging death amid an atmosphere of light-hearted punchlines) had its charms, but the thrill is long gone. This time around, the action set pieces are almost laughable and the small-but-oh-so important details of plot, character and thrilling chase scenes are little more than footnotes.
The tedious opening-credit prologue maps out the sad tale of the Emperor Han (Jet Li) and it is the most coherent part of the entire film. In the opening ten minutes or so, there is a beginning, middle and end, and that is a lot more than can be said for the rest of the film. It tells the tale of the ruthless dictator's rise and fall after a magic-minded sorceress (Michelle Yeoh) double-crosses him and puts a curse on him and his foot soldiers that turns them into mud statues.
In the decade since the last film, the married archeologist protagonists Rick and Evelyn O'Connell (Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello) traded in full-time tomb raiding for a piece of the good life on their huge English estate. The couple spends most of their time either shooting at fish or pretending to fight mummies in their pajamas and are bored out of their minds.
It comes off as dumb as it sounds, but the audience is spared further boredom once the duo is sent to China on a diplomatic mission to return a giant diamond that is able to raise the dead. It is a startling coincidence that their college-aged archeologist son (Luke Ford) is also in China digging up the remains of the Emperor Han and attempting to get into the pants of the sorceress's daughter (Isabella Leong).
The Dragon Emperor is one bad dude and it is up to our intrepid gang to stop him from getting his hands on the Shangri-La diamond and climbing to the top of a huge mountain to find a pool that is going to turn him immortal. It has to be time for some mummified special effects to goose things up, right? Not quite. The mummies bailed out alongside the director and most of the cast after the second go-round.
There are hordes of computer-generated effects, protracted fight sequences and groan-inducing dialogue, but no real mummies. There are no actual mummies to be found in the entire hair-pulling running time. Is this thing for real? It appears that someone forgot to tell the film's director, Rob Cohen, that this is an unbeatable method to mess up a tried and true (albeit stupid) formula. If the mummies aren't returning for more fast-paced fun, then he can cut the potential grosses in half.
Instead, there are a lot of stale action clichés (people dangling from bridges, huge creatures to the rescue etc.), lame attempts at humor and a couple of uninspiring transformation scenes (people turning into three-headed dragons, rotted corpses rising from their tombs, etc.). Cohen, the auteur behind such big-screen atrocities as "Stealth" and "The Fast and the Furious," stages the bland action scenes in a spastic hand-held camera technique that tries to distract us from noticing that there isn't much plot and the set pieces are generic.
It is possible to atone for a couple of missteps if the action produces the goods, but it digs itself into a deeper hole at each ridiculous plot turn. There is a transcendent airborne fight scene late in the game, but it isn't enough to forget the cheese that all but permeates the screen. I thought, for a moment, that I had stumbled into the sequel to "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," but the moment doesn't last.
The cast goes through the motions and the acting is hammed up a lot more than in the prior outings. The affable Fraser tries hard to maintain a straight face and, though he gets a couple of amusing moments, he also has most of the script's more unfathomable dialogue. He has the comic chops to be one of our leading comedic actors, but at this point, it is hard not to come to the conclusion that he either has horrible taste in material or needs to fire his agent.
The miscast Bello is headed for a monstrous amount of derision for her acting here. It is not her fault that she is stepping into the shoes of original co-star Rachel Weisz (she got herself an Oscar and no longer needs to do this sort of crap), but instead of re-imagining the character to suit her sensibilities, she does a shameful imitation that parodies the original character. The result is laughable and it is depressing to see such a talented performer selling out as both an actor and a character.
This is a special-effects spectacle for people that don't demand much from their action. It is unoriginal and not hard to digest, but I can't imagine the second-hand action is going to inspire much enthusiasm among action aficionados or fans of the long-running series.
I'd sooner recommend a trip to the dentist. It is less painful than sitting through this sludge.
Casey Menninger is a freelance movie critic and a regular contributor to Richmond.com. He has been a movie fan since seeing Elliott and E.T. pedal across the moon in "E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial." He and his laptop can regularly be found at Starbucks.