In the course of human events it becomes necessary to remind ourselves what exactly Independence Day is, and why we celebrate it every year … fireworks, beer and barbecues notwithstanding.

It is the celebration of an idea made flesh, so to speak, in ink on parchment. The colonists declared their independence from another, stale, poorer idea -- monarchy. It's time had come and gone. Good riddance.

The result of the tyranny, however, was some of the most stirring language in all of our history:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In no way should the colonist's brave stand be confused with whatever lesser forms of tyranny most Americans labor under today. But in the spirit of Virginia's favorite son, Thomas Jefferson, who wrote such rousing and passionate words, and in honor of our holiday of independence, a declaration of some kind seems in order. An homage, if you will.

Let the following be submitted to a candid world. Jefferson eloquently expressed his grievances 232 years ago, but he probably had little idea that his vision would project clearly into the future. He is known for many things, but who knew Thomas Jefferson would today be known as the American Nostradamus.

In the Declaration of Independence he wrote:

"He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance." 

This one is rather easy. Jefferson was predicting the attempted takeover of Richmond by VCU. The university has built, or has under construction, a multitude of New Offices. 'Swarms of officers' -- who could they be but campus police who have sweeping police powers.

These include the power to institute periodic road blocks that, although deemed legal by contemporary courts, would cause Jefferson to flip his wig -- literally.

'Eat out their substance' refers to VCU buying up all the farmable land within its grasp. Don't laugh. A trip to the grocery store these days is necessary masochism. Jefferson distrusted city institutions (banks, corporations, intellectual rigidity and so on) and believed yeoman farmers were the backbone of the republic.

The land gobbled up by VCU could be put to much better use as garden plots. Victory Garden? Withdrawal with Honor Garden? Get the Hell Out Now Garden?

"He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good."

O foul agency, our dread state legislature. Yes, sangria is now legal, but even that had its naysayers. But who among you, gentle and thirsty reader(s), can understand our legislator's opposition to the wholesome and necessary establishment of bars? Not restaurants with a bar attached, a Bar.

We demand the right to drink in a place whose food offerings are limited to stale chips and pretzels. We demand the right to drink in a dingy, smelly hole-in-the-wall, free from the sight of people stuffing expensive calories into their pie holes.

We want a place that serves only pickled hard-boiled eggs, which, although delicious and good for you, look like a science experiment in their large jars perched there at the end of the bar. Independence!

And more than anything we want Ukrop's to serve us beer and wine … on Sunday and any other day of the week. Perhaps someone can explain how closing one's doors on Sunday is a good business decision. Most people, who aren't as wealthy as the Ukrops, work all week. Sunday is a good day to get some shopping done.

The world is going to hell in a hand basket, is it too much to ask to be able to do one's shopping all in one place? What is Ukrop's gripe with beer and wine, anyway? Jesus drank wine, lots of wine if the stories are true. Wine with meals, wine at gatherings, wine for parables, wine for miracle working, wine wine wine. Some exegesis please (pun intended).

"He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures."

Today, even in recession, we are a very wealthy nation. Drive north or south on Belvidere and there you will see them. There are, literally, Standing Armies of homeless people in this town, holding their signs, which range from "Homeless Vet" to "Broke and Traveling" to "Need Beer."

What has the city done but move shelters from one part of town to the next? Richmond is the Promised Land for the homeless. Surely, if we can put a man on the moon (read: fake a landing on the moon and convince everyone it's real [don't get me started]), we can solve the homeless problem.

"The state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without …"

Somehow, Jefferson foresaw the contemporary and controversial practice of importing prisoners from other states into our prisons. Who drew up the business plan on this one?

Probably the same person who thought it was a darn good idea to put trash generated in New York on trucks, which then drive south on I-95 to our fair state, where we have dug large holes into which the foul cargo is dumped. Don't they have holes in New York? Is there a hole shortage?

O Jefferson's sagacity and prescience are manifold. Take some time on this holiday between hot dogs and Bud Lights and exploding ordnances to wonder at such a man and his work.

Remember well these words, "If a nation expects to be ignorant and free ... it expects what never was and never will be." Can someone pass the freedom fries?