Ahh ... Memorial Day.

The remembrance. The honor. The respect. The three-day weekend of fatty foods, excessive drinking and ungodly awful decisions.

Oh, to be an American!

Always celebrated on the last Monday of May, Memorial Day was conceived as an official time to remember and pay respect to the men and women who died in military service to our country. However, sometime between the holiday's initial creation during the Civil War and today, it has become a reason for a solid weekend of debaucherous behavior and skipping work on a Monday without the shame of calling in "sick" (read: hungover).

It's also a traditional time to hit the road and take a mini-vacation with family (OK, maybe with family). However, AAA Mid-Atlantic projects the number of Virginians traveling during the Memorial Day holiday will drop more than three percentage points when compared to last year's travel habits, mainly due to the increase in gas prices.

That means many of us will be sticking close to home this year since we won't be willing to sell off our first born and a kidney for a tank of gas.

What does that mean? More homegrown backyard parties!

But you can't just throw any old party for Memorial Day. You don't want to come off as an amateur do you? You are an American and you have to visibly prove it. You can't just put up some red, white and blue streamers and call it a real shindig. This is a time to really hoop it up for the troops. It's a time for revelry and good times.

Need some help proving that you are a real American having a real American party? We can help ...

Beef or Beef?

This is America, buddy. If you don't have grill big enough to significantly contribute to the global warming issue and scare off migrating birds, you are a terrorist. If you serve anything at your party besides hamburgers, beef sausages, ribs or huge steaks, you are a terrorist. If you invite vegetarians to your party, you are a terrorist. If you invite hippies to your party, you are a terrorist, unless you cook them on the grill, too. They are grain fed, you know.

Domestic or Import?

If you have to ask yourself this question, you are definitely a terrorist. Not only should your choice of beer be American, your beer should also match the décor of the party. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about -- Pabst Blue Ribbon! There aren't many beers out there that still come in a red, white and blue can. Plus, you can't get any more patriotic than getting completely wasted on PBR and screaming "Sweet Home Alabama" lyrics at the top of your lungs at 3 a.m....nude...in the front yard. Screaming something about first amendment rights as the cops drag you off to jail could also be construed as patriotic, in some convoluted alcohol-fueled way of reasoning.

Haters Welcome!

To truly celebrate being American on Memorial Day, you could create some more international resentment by invading and conquering a small island of indigenous brown people. Unfortunately, you can't afford the gas and it would probably take longer than a three-day weekend. Instead, invite a few current America-haters to your party. Think North Koreans and the French. You don't want to invite too many but you should have just enough to brood in a corner and spit on anyone within ten feet of their gaggle. However, if they start burning flags, they will have to leave ... or be cooked on the grill.

Happy, Happy, Happy

There is something about having expendable incomes, freedom and democracy that seems to bring the blues out of Americans. I truly think everyone is on some sort of antidepressant these days. But you don't want any droopy-drawers downers and frowners at your party. So I suggest investing in a great party favor that is extremely American -- crystal meth! Spike the keg. Spike the burgers. Spike the lemonade. It's the quickest way to get everyone mingling and talking with each other and having a great time and dancing and making friends and making out and getting naked in front of everyone and calling ex-girlfriends and making other really bad decisions...until their teeth rot out. And their bank accounts are drained. And their hearts explode. But until then it will be awesome!

The Original Firework

Because we live in the Draconian Commonwealth of Way Too Many Laws, all the fun fireworks are illegal in Virginia. Guns, however, aren't. And what is more American than sporadic gunfire at social events. Tell all your invitees to bring their favorite firearm and lots of ammo. Tap the keg, have some laughs and then pop some caps blindly into the air. The cowboys did it to celebrate. So can you! You don't even have to live in Church Hill. And if the neighbors complain? Don't worry. They won't complain. They could. But they won't.

Memorial Day 2008 Reading Room:

Jon Hatfield -- This Memorial Day, we talk to the head of Virginia's Mecca for remembering the efforts of our Commonwealth's fighting men and women.

Remembering Our Heroes -- Richmond.com has your guide to this year's Memorial Day events.

Fuzzy Memorial -- This Memorial Day, say a silent prayer for our troops. Then make really bad decisions.

The War Hits Home -- For those waiting back home as loved ones are away at war, Memorial Day can bring a plethora of emotions.

Less Traffic This Weekend? -- Thanks to higher gas prices, AAA Mid-Atlantic projects fewer travelers this holiday weekend.