There is only one problem with being a responsible driver -- though you aren't drunk driving your way home, there are thousands of other people who are.

This week, our Top Five is dedicated to our design guru Brian Dillon. Last weekend, after having a little too much fun in the Fan, he did the smart thing and left his car parked in front of our office on West Main Street. On Sunday, after a few aspirin, he came back to get his car. Unfortunately, he only found about 70 percent of it (right). Someone hit his parked car. Hard. "Totaled" hard.

Therefore, we would like to lead off with Brian's list to tell you the rest of the story. Sorry, buddy.

Brian Dillon, technology and design manager

You are from Northern Va. (…or New Jersey)
Come on now, we all know those people just cannot drive. No explanation needed.

Driving without Insurance
Chances are, if you don't have insurance, it’s probably because your rates are too high to pay or they just refused to give it to you. Take it as a sign either way, and stop driving. Please?

Hit and Run… Almost
You destroyed my car, while it was parked, in the middle of the night, no one else on the road, and then drove away. At least you were polite enough to leave a note notifying me that my car was hit. Without your note, I would have never realized that is was undrivable. Thanks buddy!

You completely totaled a parked car!
Seriously, it wasn't even moving ... it's not like it jumped out of nowhere. Get off your crackberry, put both hands on the wheel and pay attention to the road!

Let's work it out under the table
Due to your state of drunken stupor – I made out like a bandit! Don’t admit to me that you have no insurance and ask if I want to settle something outside of the insurance company’s involvement. You just gave me the leverage I needed. Now, instead of having to pay my $1000 deductible, I get EVERYTHING for free! Oh yeah, you should be expecting a phone call from GEICO eventually...

Stephanie Brummell, staff writer

You're in denial
Recently, head of sales and marketing, Magan Young and I were criticized in a Top 5 for texting while driving. You know you're a bad driver when ... your name is Karri Peifer and you're in denial of your own road rage and racecar-like fashion in which you take turns

Handprints
You might be a bad driver if ... there are permanent handprints on the passenger side arm rest from where your friends are holding on for dear life every time they ride with you.

"The Garden State"
You know you're a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad driver if ... that "motto" is printed on your license plate. Don't get fired up dirty jerz ... it's only a joke!

Your dog's head is hanging out the DRIVER side window
Because that's safe.

Lean back, lean back
The "gangsta lean" does not make you cool. It makes you unable to see anything in front of you -- including the car you're about to hit. Rather than "lean back", sit up straight, like your mama taught you.

Karri Peifer, co-editor

You constantly hear the sound of honking

If you think all other drivers are too impatient, chances are that you're wrong. We're not impatient, you're too slow. And you're holding the rest of us up ... so move it!

Cars are constantly whizzing around you

I never cease to be amazed at that one driver, puttering along at 35 mph in the left lane, who seems completely oblivious to the cars around him. If EVERYONE around you is passing you, you're going too slow ... and you sure as heck shouldn't be in the left lane.

You're a Realtor

Has anyone ever ridden in a car with a licensed, successful and card-carrying realtor? I have. One of my closest friends in a realtor and she spends her whole day in the car, returning phone calls, consulting maps, texting in lockbox codes, downloading listings, arranging her files, reapplying lipstick and, frequently, smoking a cigarette. And she does it all while weaving in and out of traffic and cursing other drivers.

Your name is Magan Young

Richmond.com heads of sales and advertising drives just like a realtor ... only worse.

You notice your friends keep their eyes closed when driving with you

I do this a lot.

Dionne Waugh, news writer

Is that your bumper hanging off my car?
Hey, I tried to get you to move. I rode your butt for a good mile or two before finally speeding up and rolling over your car. That's what you get when you drive too slowly in the far left lane.

My cat beat up your honor student
A study out this week shows that people are more like to go postal with their car if they have stickers on their vehicles. So, peace be upon you. That is, until you cut me off. Then it's on!

You can't parallel park
Seriously? If you're only visiting Richmond, I guess I'll give you a pass. But that means you need to park in a deck and not taking up three spaces on the street.

Stop. Go. Repeat.
In a city so four-way-stop-happy that it sometimes boggles the mind, I'm repeatedly amazed at the number of people who are confused and just sit at four-way stops. If you get there first, you go. Others will stop. If you both get there at the same time, the person to your right has the right of way. If there's more than two of you, just take turns. Is it really that difficult?

You're a VCU student
Sorry kids, but just because you're away at college, doesn't mean you know how to manuever one-way streets, expeditously parallel park and be a polite pedestrian, which means walking swiftly across the road in a crosswalk when you actually have the right of way.

Kent Jennings Brockwell, co-editor

(Who has a perfect driving record -- as in never received a ticket -- ever -- yet.)  

Alcohol, Ethanol - What's the Difference?

Once, while parallel parking at K-Mart, you flipped your truck 18 times but never spilt a single drop of your beer.

That's Not Transmission Fluid...

You have six different types of blood stains on your front bumper and hood but not a single trace of fur or feathers. You did however find a finger when you last changed the air filter.

What Blind Spots?

Helen Keller once gave you the finger for cutting her off in traffic.

Neighborhood Watch Out!

The parents in your neighborhood are more afraid of you in your car than they are of the ex-con meth dealing pederast who lives on the corner.

Friends Don't Let Friends Own Vehicles

Your friend's want you to hand over your keys after a long night of drinking -- but not because you have been drinking.

Greg Hershey, curb jumper

Vanity license plates

If you have them, you obviously lack good judgement.

Coffee stains ...

... on pants.

If you have tinted windows ...

... you are either the Feds or running from the Feds. Either way, it's like wearing sunglasses at night.

If you are talking on a cell phone ...

... dialing a cell phone, texting on a cell phone, or thinking about talking/dialing/texting on a cell phone.

It's Friday afternoon

You are driving home from work.

Christie Newman, office manager

Signals

You have been driving for 15 years and you have never used your turn signals.

Sleeping

You arrive home and wake up hours later to find your engine running and the doors locked.

Parking

The front lawn is NOT a parking space.

Tailgating

This not partying before a football game or race; this means you are driving two inches behind my car.

Class

You are 30 years old and have been to driving school four times!