Virgo -- August 23 to September 22
Beware of tall buildings and moving sidewalks this week. There's nothing more to say.
Libra -- September 23 to October 22
Why should you, o lover of luxury, have to endure such drudgery in your life? You were to the metaphorical manor born and you shouldn't dirty your hands with menial tasks. Everyone knows that all you really want is to retire from this life. So latch on to the richest person you can find right now and marry them pronto. Love? Who cares, this is your future Libra, your lazy, luxurious future here. Love is for those who need drama in their life, not the finest things money can buy.
Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21
The revenge of the Scorpio is something to behold. They will hound the devil herself to the ends of hell to right a perceived wrong. But perceptions can be funny things, and you are always so sure of yourself. This week Scorpio, your confidence is a butterfly being blown by gale force winds, merciless for one usually so self-assured. It's time to give in a little to the greater universal forces at work here. Get drunk on cheap wine and make long distance calls to former lovers. You can thank me later.
Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21
Remember that creepy guy in IT from last week? Guess you should have stopped the small talk while you were ahead, because he now officially believes he is your one, your only, your true sugar daddy. Humor him, if only for a day or two, by creating an avatar for him that is handsome, well muscled and charming, all things he decidedly is not. For your efforts, mama might get a nice pair of shoes out of it.
Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19
Your life has come to resemble a musical, specifically "My Fair Lady." You know what you mean to say, to you your message is clear, but alas, you lack the eloquence to speak it clearly. Try doing what Eliza DoLittle did -- take up residence with two men much older than you and use your "charm and innocence" to make them fall madly in love with you. Speak with your body those things you can't say with your mouth, if you know what I mean.
Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18
The stars shine fairly upon thee this week, Aquarius, and that rash you've kept secret all this time will soon start to vanish. Only to return in less than two months, but who's looking that far ahead into the future? Frolic and play with glee and freedom. But remember to pack the Cortizone 10.
Pisces -- February 19 to March 20
Fate takes a backseat to free will this week; meaning it's up to you to decide what to do with that $50 bill you found on the street today. But beware, your decision could lead either to reward or consequence later in the month. Choose carefully. Oh, and your lucky color is blue.
Aries -- March 21 to April 19
Headstrong, confident and independent, that's you, Aries. But this week, it's best if you defer to others. Trust me, you'll appreciate it later.
Taurus -- April 20 to May 20
What are you favorite things, Taurus? Whiskers on kittens, bad 80s songs or weekends on the water? You have to decide because no one is going to tell you for you.
Gemini -- May 21 to June 21
Talk is cheap. Talk, talk, talk is cheap, cheap, cheap. Repeat this to yourself over and over Gemini. Your most marked trait, your gums forever flapping, is also your Achilles' Heel. If you are going to talk, make damned sure you got something to say. You might want to pour over some Shakespeare; may I suggest the inimitable Hamlet. He's got some zingers you could rework, and believe me you need some new material.
Cancer -- June 22 to July 22
It's time to tighten up, dear Cancer … and in every way imaginable. Balance your checkbook, enroll and bottom pump and double check your work. Everyone around you is being judgmental … rightfully so.
Leo -- July 23 to August 22
You are a lion. Lions are nothing but big pussy cats. But there is a reason a group of lions is called a pride, because it is something you have in abundance. Pride in questionable endeavors, pride that you use to cover your insecurities, pride that you will never swallow even when to do so would be to your benefit -- you have to learn how to conquer your pride just as sure as you learned how to overrun and fell your prey. More pussy cat, less lion.