Virgo -- August 23 to September 22
Do unto others as you would have done to yourself ... and don't cross against the walk signal. And yield the right-of-way.
Libra -- September 23 to October 22
Life has been easy lately. If by easy you mean expensive gasoline and groceries, a slump in housing, a falling stock market, a redneck for vice president and your costly (in more ways than one) sins. Live hard.
Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21
The expression from soup to nuts applies this week, Scorpio. I never really understood what that meant, but I know, with my unfailing instincts, that it is important. My instincts also told me not to take this job and I took it anyway. In fact, do the opposite of what I just said.
Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21
Money troubles are about to hit you smack in the face, and not with a balled up wad of cash. Be frugal and hold tight to your wallet this week; an unforeseen expense at the end will creep up behind you faster than you can say, "Bob's your uncle."
Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19
It's time for you to escape, Capi, to the place that gives you the most peace and relaxation. They don’t call them personal days for nothin' so make some time for you this week. But that doesn't mean to go out on the town every night. Stay home, pick out the toe jam and belly button lint. Curl up on the couch with a stack of movies and don't change your underwear for a few days. You'll feel better, trust us.
Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18
Ahh, amour. What a beautiful thing it is. And the stars say that with Saturn in the seventh house and a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio in your fridge, your chances at love could be rising. Already in love? Committed? Hooked to a ball-and-chain? Well then that only means one thing for you -- the monster in law will be calling twice a day, every day this week. Enjoy!
Pisces -- February 19 to March 20
Strategizing has never been your strong point, but it might help to get a little crafty this week. You've got a few career shifting land-mines in your way this week and if you're not careful, your happy little bubble could easily go "ka-boom." Remember, nobody likes a brown-noser, but a little butt-kissing might do you a bit of good.
Aries -- March 21 to April 19
Get thee to a nunnery! Fie! Fie! You rapscallion. In other words, read your Shakespeare, especially "Hamlet," "Midnight Summer's Dream," "Much Ado About Nothing," "Measure for Measure," "The Tempest" and "King Lear" as soon as possible. Let them be your guide.
Taurus -- April 20 to May 20
Hold on tight, Taurus, the sun is about to come out … tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar, it's tomorrow. Or maybe early next year -- but any way you cut it, help is on the way.
Gemini -- May 21 to June 21
You got the world on a string, and you are playing it like a yo-yo. It might help to listen to some Buddhist chants, give away some money to the homeless and don't bathe for 48 hours.
Cancer -- June 22 to July 22
Your sign is such that you're forever destined to be waterlogged. Does that mean that you're drowning or floating through life without a care in the world? The choice is yours, but it might be a good time to invest in some flippers.
Leo -- July 23 to August 22
Your youthful energy and good looks have done wonders for you thus far in life, but it's time to grow up, Leo. Get a hair cut and get a real job. And start cleaning your apartment.