Virgo -- August 23 to September 22
The secret to maintaining a happy marriage means always concealing shopping habits. If your husband asks about your new dress or heels, always claim they were on sale, even if you paid full price. Perhaps you've tried that trick too many times? Wear geisha red lipstick the day you don your new goodies and your husband will be so distracted, he won't spy your recent wardrobe additions.
Libra -- September 23 to October 22
Buy a gong for your small child and evil spirits will never visit your house again. Of course, nobody else will, either.
Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21
Never trust the so-called wisdom hidden inside of fortune cookies, unless I personally wrote the fortune (in fact, ditch the cookies all together and I promise you a better figure). Instead, bring me your tea cup and I will read your tea leaves.
Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21
MSG better enables you to find your one true love. Request that cooks not add it and you're destined to have a less-than-spicy love life.
Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19
Burn incense in your house for the rest of the week and I promise you good luck -- or at least a better smelling home.
Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18
Always bow to your elders, now and forever. You'll thank me in the afterlife.
Pisces -- February 19 to March 2
Eat ginger with every meal, including breakfast and snacks. Put it in your pancakes, your milk, your soup, your pasta -- everything. It's the most effective diet known to man! And when you meet a dark and mysterious stranger later this week, won't you want to look svelte?
Aries -- March 21 to April 19
Order carry-out every night this week. I can already see that you'll be working hard and need to be as time efficient as possible. As always, I recommend beef lo-mein.
Taurus -- April 20 to May 20
No matter how many lucky dragon charms you buy from your local Tibetan street vendor this week, you are doomed. Sorry. Better luck next life.
Gemini -- May 21 to June 21
Unlike Taurus, you are safe this week so long as you stock up on lucky dragon charms. The small wooden, lacquered ones that can fit into the palm of your hand are best. Purchase between seven and 12 but NEVER 13.
Cancer -- June 22 to July 22
If you're re-decorating your house -- which surely the 2008 Richmond Symphony Designer House has inspired you to do -- include an oriental rug or two. They're always stylish!
Leo -- July 23 to August 22
Wear red everyday this week for the best week of your life!